This is a beautiful companion piece to Intermezzo 5. It is written by Jo Feat. We have done very substantial work together and Jo has meaningfully assisted me on several occasions.
Both Liz the author of Intermezzo 5 and Jo have the comment that what is often described as sexual energy, is not examined in schools. This seems a pity as we would not have taken form without it. There is room for much more immersion in the Masculine and Feminine principles and this will involve a substantial nakedness from teachers. M.B.
When I first arrived in Cornwall, I couldn’t work out why I had such an immediate resistance to the place – the never-ending dampness, the dark, mossy caves, the stark looking stone circles and the disturbing wildness. I didn’t know it then but I was about to do battle with the shadow energies of the goddess and every cell in my body was strongly in denial about wanting to connect into this energy.
My heart felt contracted into a sore crease and yet somehow I knew that it was important to stick with whatever this was about and to find the courage to be with the discomfort. On the following day, during a cranial session, this very clear image of a lion drawn in calligraphy kept coming into my awareness. In the group sharing, Mike commented that this seemed like an important image and asked if I could tell if it was male or female – I said I hadn’t really considered this and yet I didn’t recall seeing a mane so I assumed it was female. Intuitively, I knew Mike wanted to say more and I desperately needed to tell him how my whole being was struggling to be here, so I arranged to meet him for a chat later that evening after dinner.
It was such a beautiful evening, Mike suggested we took a walk past the Fougou (the iron age cave in the grounds of the house) and then go and sit in the woods for a while. Finally we came to a clearing and he asked me if I would like to sit on what resembled a high backed throne made out of stone. We sat there in silence while Mike finished his cigarette – after several minutes of taking in this beautiful space Mike broke the silence to say “You know the lioness is the queen of the animals, she must take back her power and roar again.” As he said this, I felt this shift of primal energy race up my spine and out through the crown of my head, as if it had risen from the depths of the earth like lightning piercing through the stone. I began to tremble with the intensity of an unexplained longing I felt deep inside. I opened up to Mike about the confusion and turmoil in my personal life right now and how my heart had been broken open by an experience of unrequited love.
He simply listened – it was as if absolutely nothing fazed him.
After a spell of deep reflection, Mike said what was important to recognise within all of this is that when both men and women begin to get in touch with their buried life force it can be extremely disorientating and disturbing. Yet if this energy is used correctly – wanting nothing for ourselves – it can often prove to be an immensely revealing phase in our lives.
I slept like a baby that night and then just before the alarm went off I woke out of a dreamlike state with an incessant voice in my head telling me to visit the Fougou at 7.00pm that evening. I lay in bed contemplating what Mike had said the night before and it helped me embrace this passionate awakening as an essential energy of part of the journey to come. Over the following days our surreal encounter began to infiltrate my consciousness more and more, and I sensed that the crucial test lay not in the denial of my yearning and desire but in recognising the deeper nature of its roots and using this energy creatively to transcend thresholds that may have been holding me back from expressing my true nature.
For the first couple of days I’d sat outside staring into the womb like darkness of the Fougou feeling strangely drawn to go in, yet also knowing the time wasn’t right to enter and then I realised – tonight was the full moon, so at 7.00pm I made my excuses before dinner and disappeared. Taking a deep breath I tentatively entered the blackness of the cave. There was a small chamber on the left of the main entrance to the cave where I had to virtually crawl through its tiny opening on my hands and knees. My initial reaction was one of surprise and relief, as now instead of staring into the darkness I was engulfed in it looking out into the diminishing daylight. All of a sudden, I felt dizzy and shaky, the ground began swaying and moving under me, and it felt as if I was literally being spun into another dimension. My eyes were burning with floods of tears and yet I felt embraced and loved by an unseen presence. As I opened my eyes and looked down at my body, I saw crouching in its place a skeleton made of fluorescent light – the bizarre thing was I wasn’t frightened it all felt so natural and safe.
Upon hearing a noise – I was immediately shunted back into present time awareness, I thought I could hear voices approaching so I crept quietly out of the cave. It was getting darker and the stars were beginning to teasingly play with the night sky. This impelling urge came over me to dig like crazy with my bare hands into the damp and fecund soil, not looking for anything in particular, yet somehow knowing that every little thing I encountered in that small patch of earth really mattered and was supremely precious beyond measure.
Suddenly I heard footsteps, as I looked down I saw my hands were covered in mud and leaves and my hair had become loose and bedraggled so I quickly tried to gather myself together and make myself look a bit more respectable – one of the guys on the course, let’s call him Jacob, appeared and he was curious to know if I had been inside the cave. I told him I had and then I don’t know what induced me but I offered to go in with him if he liked. Jacob was about to say something and I could sense his trepidation, so I went into the cave again and he followed. Jacob sat in the far corner while I squatted on the damp floor by the tiny entrance with my head in my hands. Almost immediately I again had a sense of being spun and transported back to an ancient time where I saw myself as this mischievous old crone delighting in frightening this poor man with my lewd and odd behavior.
Jacob began to shift uncomfortably and sigh deeply, and as the energy became more and more oppressive and unsettling I simply knew I had to get out. I scurried outside with my heart racing wildly and ran quickly towards the warmth and comforting light of the kitchen.
I suddenly felt really hungry so I voraciously gobbled down some left over food. Jacob appeared at the kitchen doorway and nonchalantly asked if I would like to come for a walk with him up to the Merry Maidens stone circle. There was still some daylight so I agreed it would be great to watch the full moon rise on this wonderfully clear, warm Summers evening. As we walked Jacob opened up about how he had been struggling to get in touch with really having arrived in this strange foreboding place. He shared the strong need he felt to connect with his feminine side and how he was resisting with every bone in his body – everything was making him wish he hadn’t come – I listened intently and laughed into the wind. I was deeply touched at how this beautiful man couldn’t see how his having the courage to share in this way was part of our shared journey of reconnection.
When we arrived at the circle, there were still a few straggling tourists wandering around taking photos and talking aimlessly on their mobile phones so we hung around impatiently waiting for them to leave and wandered around the perimeter of the stones. Soon we had the place to ourselves. I sat in the centre of the circle and Jacob said he felt he didn’t have permission to enter the circle so he continued to slowly walk around the nineteen stones. I didn’t respond – the thought struck me out of nowhere how wise of him to stay outside – there was no safety here! I was shocked at the grotesque and ghastly images that kept coming into my awareness of slowly dismembering this sweet man, as Kali’s dark, destroying energy spiraled around me. I knew that if I wanted to I could do anything to this helpless man – he was nothing more to me in that moment than a useless puppet.
It seemed as if we were both wrapped up in a time warp and intriguing spell. Eventually, I moved away from the centre of the circle and sat with my back against one of the larger stones to watch the moon begin to make her glorious ascent over the horizon. Out of the corner of my eye I followed Jacob’s movements as he became a little braver and decided to come into the circle sitting with his back against the stone directly adjacent to mine. Jacob knew intuitively to keep his distance as he watched mesmerised as the sun fell softly behind the rolling hills. Sun and Moon moved into perfect alignment and when we finally made eye contact with each other there was an eclipse of sorts – a merging into oneness – it was simply amazing – Jacob as I recognised him simply wasn’t there – just his shape in pure light outlined with a ragged shadowy aura of dazzling black light. We were both utterly present to one another in that dance of sun and moon, mystery and magic. In that kairos moment, space and time dissolved into the light of Oneness.
The sky gradually deepened into a royal blue with splashes of purple and orange. Another couple had parked their car near the circle, walked halfway up the hill, seen us and turned around and gone away again – as if they sensed that they were not welcome and that something unusual was happening here.
As the sky darkened into swathes of draped black velvet and lace and the cosmic dance got under way, we both slowly moved towards each other and came into the centre of the circle embracing, leaping, hollering and shouting like two crazy kids. We fell into a stunned silence as we walked back arm in arm through the ripened cornfields in a state of awe and wonder. When we got back to the house, we were amazed to see we had been gone over three hours and only one or two people were still up.
The next morning, as we convened as a group, Mike asked us how we were all doing with a knowing twinkle in his eyes – Jacob and I smiled enigmatically, said nothing and let our hearts speak.